all about love

Monday and Tuesday I read a book that had recently found its was into my life--All About Love: New Visions, by bell hooks.

I was first exposed to this book in May when somebody I dearly love was asked to read it at a wedding. Apparently, she introduced this book to the groom nearly a decade ago and he had since incorporated the book into his relationship with his now bride.

When I asked Larry the role it played in his relationship, his response was touchingly beautiful. He said that they regularly read the book--when times are both easy and difficult--to reflect upon their love and use it to, for instance, remind them what love means to them, how honest they are being with themselves and each other, how they had spiritually grown through love, and so on.

Because the book played such an important role in their lives, they asked for a passage to be read at their wedding.

Incidentally and rightfully, this happened to be shortly before the wedding (a few days!). When driving from Reno to Boise for the wedding, we read the book aloud and searched for a passage and eventually found one that was very fitting for the occasion and for Larry and Kristen.

The short blips that was read on the roadtrip fascinated me and provided material for some insightful discussions. The only downside to that was that we did not read very much of the book, which was needed since deciding on a passage was time-sensitive.

My interest was piqued in the book, so I ordered a used copy for next to nothing.

I felt that this book was very touching. To me, hooks essentially calls for a love revolution. That is, she examines love in the many forms that we believe it to be.

She begins by defining love, since it has so many different forms and is considered to be undefinable by many. What she writes is that love IS NOT a noun, but rather a verb. This enables agency and acknowledges that love is not passive or fallen into, but something that is worked at. She further builds upon Peck's definition of love in The Road Less Traveled that "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." (Note: I liked the book so much that I already lent is away.)

Much of what is later written is built upon the work and responsibility needed for love to exist. This included a topic that hit home for me--familial love. As hooks worked through love as being emancipatory through work and responsibility, she describes that many of us do not love in our relationships that we have traditionally accepted as being loving. More specifically, she asserts that love cannot exist in the face of abuse. In my case, abuse manifested itself in my family by my father through occasional physical abuse, emotional abuse, and, most importantly, neglect. I have spent many of the latter years of my life dedicating a good deal of energy towards trying to love him, but there has been little-to-no attempt to reciprocate. hooks described that relationship simply as one that is very caring, but by her definition, not loving.

hooks also struck chords given that I recently began a romantic relationship. She discussed the importance of work, honesty, choice, power, materialism, spirituality, mutuality, community, and romance. Many of these issues I have been working very hard on. For instance, part of understanding the and working towards eliminating power dynamics in our relationship has been to identify realities and their associated privileges, such as our sex, education, lived experience, and race.

What I thought was most beautiful was her description of all of the potential that loving can have. From loving oneself, to romantically loving another, to the loving of others in community, hooks was inspiring and painted a picture of a possible egalitarian utopia with loving as the bond holding us together.

I used a picture of a family (I could not find a good photograph of a community) to hopefully show that when we think of love, that we have preconceived notions about what it should look like. I think that if we truly embrace loving as hooks suggested first and foremost, then we would see love first and the fact that there are two men second.

We only live once, so why not work hard?